The Oscars as I Saw Them

I have to admit I only saw two movies that were nominated for Academy Awards this year. And they were both nominated for Best Animated movie. As for the rest of them, the big people movies, I didn’t see one. That’s unusual. It’s been that kind of year for me. So why watch the Oscars you say? Because of the frickin’ fabulous dresses! And the absurdly hideous outfits. Because no one can dress as gorgeous or as ugly as Hollywood folk.

Hands down, best dressed goes to Helen Mirren. I so want to be her in my next lifetime. I thought what she wore last year was astounding but the red dress with the silver sleeves? Blew it out of the water. Wow. Who knew 60+ could look so good. I guess if I can’t be her in my next life time, I still have 25 years to become as hot as she is. I said it before and I’ll say it again: Wow. She’s got to be an example of a woman getting better with age because I can’t imagine her being any more stunning than she is now. Perhaps I’m revealing some sort of creepy grandma crush, but damn, that dress was amazing and she was amazing in it. I’m just saying.

I do have to say something about Katherine Heigle’s red dress. I love a red anything no matter what it is, but a red Oscar dress? Oh, yes. And I do have to say this dress was a gorgeous color and a gorgeous fit on a gorgeous woman but what was up with that weird shoulder ring? I really didn’t know what to make of it. I didn’t hate it but it was distracting. The consensus at the party I was at is that the dress looked very structurally sound with the aforementioned shoulder ring. Like that sucker wasn’t flashing a boob no matter how jiggy with it you got. However, I’m not sure that structurally sound is really the kind of description one wants in a glamorous gown as if one is checking the foundation for cracks. Um, no. Ooh, and the makeup. That was an oops.

The other dress that had me scratching my head was Marion Cotillard. A Jean Paul Gaultier mermaid inspired gown. Why don’t we just call it what it was? A mermaid gown. There was no mere hint of mermaid, the thing had scales. Scales! When she walked up to accept her award I said are those scales on her hips? Sure enough but it didn’t stop there. The whole thing was scales culminating in some weird scale roses on her breasts. There are many things that are beautiful about the dress but I don’t think I can say this enough: It had scales! I think that’s taking the mermaid inspiration a bit too far in my opinion. But at the very least, Marion did look rather good in it and that almost detracts from the SCALES. Almost.

Far and away the worst dress was Tilda Swinton. This is really a no-brainer and I feel rather lazy even mentioning it because anyone with eyes can see this is hideous. You don’t have to have any sort of sense of fashion to know that was one butt-ugly dress. Did she forget she was nominated for an Academy Award? Did she oversleep and throw on the first thing she found which happen to be a giant black silk sheet? Because wow, that was one nasty dress. Don’t even get me started on her lack of makeup or her orange hair. I do have to give kudos to her though for teasing George Clooney about his Batman costume. When caught on stage at the Oscars wearing a fugly bat dress, make fun of the best dressed man in the room and maybe no one will notice. I would do it. Wouldn’t you? Make everyone look at the pretty man and then you can hightail it off stage while they’re all looking at him. Good move, Tilda! I commend you.

Worst dressed man and couple for that matter goes to Daniel Day-Lewis and his wife Rebecca Miller. Dear god. The shoes alone! Brown suede shoes with a tux (of sorts)? No, no, no, no. And Rebecca perhaps would look alright without the red bows but not with and not with those shoes. Ugh. I love shoes. I love weird shoes but not these shoes and not with these outfits. It hurts my eyes. Now some people thought that Mr. Day-Lewis looked rather dapper in his unconventional tux with the burgundy piping. I thought he looked a little too much like Willy Wonka myself and in case you missed in the first time: BROWN SUEDE SHOES. I rarely think brown suede shoes are a good idea and I would say even less so at the Oscars. With a tux. Just…no. Then there were his earrings. Now I don’t have an issue with earrings on men. It think it’s fine. But I think they should match. And if your earlobes are crooked and it makes the earrings look like they don’t match even when they do, maybe you should just forgo them. Man or woman.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one who noticed Daniel’s crooked ears because after that, crookedness became a theme. My theory is that someone decided there just wasn’t a unifying theme to the night unless you count the horrible montages and a complete lack of humor. The history of periscopes and binoculars in movies? What? That was just…weird. So seeing that that theme was falling flat someone took a cue from the crooked ears and decided yes, that’s it! It’s not any lamer than a montage of bees in movies. It’s surreptitious and hey! We can make a drinking game out of it! Last one to spot the crookedness takes a shot!

After that, George Clooney, easily the best dressed man there, appeared on stage to present an award. His perfection was marred by his noticeably crooked bowtie. Aren’t there people backstage to make sure these stars look good before they go on stage? I mean really. However, if we are playing our drinking game, that one was kind of a gimme.

Then Nicole Kidman showed up with this incredibly long necklace wrapped around her breast. It was at this point that I began to suspect that something was going on, because come on. Who let Nicole out there like that? But the person who really clinched the whole crookedness as a theme theory was Hilary Swank. There is no way her crookedness happened by accident. I imagine someone—the crooked maker—taking one look at her and seeing no jewelry to twist, no hair to fling askew doing the only thing she could. She lopsided her breasts. Yep, I think she just reached right out there and gave ‘em an adjustment because the right one was clearly higher than the left. And I really don’t think her stylist would let her out of the house in a dress that makes her look lopsided. I just don’t buy it.

Now could somebody please tell me what the hell Miley Ray Cyrus was doing there? Did I miss something?